september 2006

Source: september 2006

aunt franny

Source: aunt franny

ten little indians (the books)

Page Thirty-one…    last page of website outline

I never had any intention to be writing on the internet. 2008 changed all that. Very drastic events in my life drove me to this public form of writing, and to public hopes that I could find someone to help me and my animals. I’d heard so much about everything that could be found and accomplished on the internet. The internet had been portrayed to me as a powerful place where even the poor could find help.

But it didn’t work that way for me. I didn’t find what I was looking for. And yet I kept on doggedly writing. Writing as a way to fill up the empty hours where my life used to be. Writing to keep from screaming. Writing to dump somewhere each day all the anger, sadness, and resentment that had been created by the year 2008. The hours and days are still empty. My life as I knew it for fifty-five years is still gone, and will stay gone. The grief, anger and emptiness still need to find a vehicle for expression, and writing is still that vehicle.

So I’m shaping a lot of this writing into small books, largely in the vignette. The vignettes are either newly written or taken straight out of blogs. I like the vignette style of autobiography, both as reader and as writer.  Two of the books, Lifelines and Mugsy’s Book, are written in the usual linear narrative. This page provides the links to these books-in-progress, as well as to the poetry blogs. Page One provides links to all books and blogs.

When I was a kid, we used to sing the Ten Little Indians song. Ten little written Indians, typed onto virtual pages in virtual colors by an actual human being with some Sioux blood on her mother’s side.  A little part-Indian driven to this phantom form of writing by the destruction of a life.

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1.     spite and malice    the details of  the landlady, the mafia-chick, the illegal eviction and destruction of the animals; the protection matthew told me about, and matthew himself.

                                                                                                  www.nightdays.wordpress.com 

       ii. ~ iii.  ~  iiii.  ~ 1.  ~  2.  ~  3.  ~  4.  ~  5.  ~  6.  ~  7.  ~  8.  ~  9.  ~  10.  ~  11.  ~  12.  ~  13.  ~  14.  ~  15.  ~  16.  ~  17.  ~  18.  ~  19.  ~  20.   ~

 

 

2.   all my stars   the animals of my life from 1953 — 2006

 ~~~~~~~~~~~   www.allmystars.wordpress.com    ~~~~~   41.  ~~  42.  ~~  43.  ~~ 45.  ~x~  47.  ~~  48.  ~~  49.

 

3.   stolen stars      the fourteen animals stolen in 2008

        www.stolenstars.wordpress.com   —   (2.  ~  3.   ~  3b. ~  4.  ~  5.  ~  6.  ~  7.  ~  8.  ~  9.  ~  10.  ~  11.  ~  12.)

 

 

4.   being toward death    who I was before the destruction of my life in 2008, and who I am since then

      i.  ~   ii.iii.  ~  1.  ~  2.  ~  3.  ~  4.  ~  5.  ~  6.  ~  7.  ~  8.

 

 

5.   lifelines    history from childhood on

                        www.braonny.wordpress.com

 

 

 

6.    mugsy’s book   mugsy the dog with issues

                              mugsysbook

 

 

7.   don’t ask    satire vignettes on a range of subjects

                      www.sehnen2.wordpress.com

 

 

8.   poison and snowflake trees    about turners falls, in massachusetts

                 www.turnersfalls.wordpress.com     

 

 

9.   neverending solitaire   my own experience with asperger’s syndrome

            www.autisism.wordpress.com   (deliberately misspelled)

 

10.  kaikenlainen    thoughts on the death of a brother

               www.kaikenlainen.wordpress.com

 

{*}     The ongoing micro-saga of bill   ~~~~    wandering after bill

{*}      Strictly poetry  ~~~~  scealta liatha  ~~~~  shadowpoems

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 (blank books at www.gaelsong.com)

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judahblog

Page Thirty, website outline

A blog I had on another website for a while in 2008 and 2009. I was living outdoors at the time that I wrote a lot of it, but eventually abandoned it. never did too much with it. I’m moving what I did write in the Judahblog here to WordPress.

I used this blog as a place to take a break, to stop telling the story of what had been done to my life by other people in as much chronological order as I could manage. I didn’t think carefully about what I was going to write;  I didn’t have a plan. I just sat at the keyboard thinking: what do I feel like writing?, and then I waited to see what would result. The results very often surprised me, because things came out that I hadn’t realized were down there in the subconscious niggling at me.

the link.

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 read…   Kaikenlainen    Don’t ask…..

 

 

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these teachers I never met

Page Twenty-nine, website outline

wandering among some of those whose work has influenced me, and taught me

eliot                                                                        goethe                                                     jung

                        maslow                                                                   whiteley 

 

 krishnamurti                                                                    vonnegut                                                             patchen

                                     goldstein                                            heidegger                     

                     poe

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wandering around the blogs

Page Twenty-eight, website outline

                                                                                           to a pig

        to bill                  to a poem

                   to opals                                        to romance

to casting souls                                                                                                                  

to a blackworld

to the brightest stars                                      to blue Mishi                                www.braonwandering.wordpress.com

                                     to a ruby                                 to treasures

                                                                    

                                                                                                         to a child

 to a green moon

(these resin fairies are marketed by www.toscano.com.  I don’t get any kickbacks from these people; it’s simply that theirs was one of the catalogs in which I used to daydream back in my own life. I’d circle all the things I’d like to buy if I could ever get myself and my animals to a place of peace and relative safety. I did buy my lapharp from their catalog, but that was as far as I got before disaster landed. I’ll be using a great many of those daydream items in the graphics on this website, because those items and those dreams were one more mosaic piece of the life I shared with my animals.)

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reading lists

Page Twenty-seven, website outline

As time allows, I look for interesting blogs to read.  In general I’m disappointed in internet writing, but there are, happily, exceptions. Nobody’s paying me to put them on this list, so there’s no need to be cynical. I don’t even know these people, with one exception. I do know Paulette Post Miller.

vonjunzt.livejournal.com                                miss_julia_s.livejournal.com
www.badconscience.wordpress.com           www.essorant.wordpress.com
http://www.triviatar.wordpress.com                                 www.ep5weblog.wordpress.com
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www.mycityshy.com                                      
www.oddamsel.wordpress.com
www.dancingonthinice.wordpress.com                                     
www.tagesgedanken.wordpress.com/www.tageskritiken.wordpress.com
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brainstew.wordpress.com  (subtitles: impressions personafied, jaymie thorne…)
www.poetrypoliticsandpathos.wordpress.com         vinniekinsella.wordpress.com 
sanseverything.wordpress.com                                                  translatorsnotes.wordpress.com
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rhinoreg.wordpress.com
jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com  (jingle has a sort of poetry group, if there are any poets out there who’d like to become part of that. I don’t know how it works, but I’m sure if you go there and ask jingle, she’ll tell you)
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vibes01.wordpress.com (she walks her own path)
www.superfluousblog.wordpress.com  (philosophy, and more)
www.thedeevolutionofman.wordpress.com (political satire)
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www.paulettepostmiller.com (one of the places with her paintings)
 

                                                                      

www.ariane5.wordpress.com a fellow misanthrope! read about stupid people, it’s cathartic

http://www.thewuc.com&#8230;  this and that from an australian chick

www.tirissa.com…  a fantasy novel for young people, written and illustrated by willow.

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 for the voracious reader…  books I’ve mentioned in my website, and in twitter tweets.

Margaret Atwood:    The Robber Bride, Cat’s Eye, The Blind Assassin
Kurt Vonnegut:   Timequake         Mira Bartok:  The Memory Palace
Chris Chester:    Providence of a Sparrow       Ian Brown:  The Boy in the Moon
Donna Williams:   Nobody Nowhere          Mary Karr:  The Liars’ Club
Libbrecht and Rasmussen: The Snowflake
John Elder Robison:   Look Me in the Eye
Martha Stout:   The Sociopath Next Door
M. Scot Peck:   The People of the Lie
Garrison Keillor:   Wobegon Boy
Rebecca Goldstein:   Properties of Light
  
a list of my own writing is here.

~~~~~~~~  (book photo at www.toscano.com)  ~~~~~~~

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new posts

Page Twenty-six, website outline

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Dec 15 (2008)  ~~  Dec 15

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Dec 8  (2009) ~~  Dec 22   ~~  Dec 24  ~~  Dec 24  ~~  Dec 30  ~~  Dec 30  ~~  Dec 30

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Dec (2010) ~~  Dec 1  ~~  Dec 1  ~~   Dec 2  ~~  Mugsy  ~~  Dec ~~  Dec 4  ~~  Dec 5  ~~  Dec 6  ~~  Dec 6  ~~  Dec 7  ~~  Dec 7  ~~  Dec ~~  Dec 8  ~~  Dec 9  ~~  Dec 9  ~~  Dec 10  ~~  Dec 12  ~~  Dec 14  ~~  Dec 15 ~~  Dec 15  ~~  Dec 16  ~~  Dec 16 ~~  Dec 16  ~~  Dec 17  ~~  Dec 19  ~~  Dec 21  ~~  Dec 21  ~~  Dec 22  ~~  Dec 26  ~~  Dec 27  ~  Dec 28 is at www.nemo-mentalhell.blogspot.com  ~~  Dec 28  ~~  Dec 31 ~~}

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 Dec 3  (2011) ~~  Dec 3  ~~  Dec 3  ~~  Dec 4  ~~  Dec 4  ~~  Dec ~~  Dec 6  ~~  Dec 7  ~~  Dec 10  ~~  Dec 11  ~~ Dec 12  ~~  Dec 12  ~~  Dec 17  ~~  Dec 18  ~~  Dec 18  ~~  Dec 19  ~~  Dec 19  ~~  Dec 29  ~~  Dec 29  ~~  Dec 31
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Dec 15 (2013)
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2016 ~~~~~ 

jan 4 ~~ jan 5 ~~ jan 6 ~~ jan 18 ~~ jan 20 ~~ jan 20 ~~ jan 22~~ jan 22 ~~ jan 27

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((())) — a list of the books-in-progress is here
 
 
 
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remorse

Page Twenty-five, website outline

Like the relating of things Matthew told me about my life, and things he did, remorse is a very touchy subject with people. And like so many other things, it has trickled down from the psychobabble boneheads to the general population that remorse = guilt = bad. You are not supposed to feel remorse, because remorse is just a squeak  away from guilt, and guilt is something we don’t feel anymore. We don’t let anyone guilt-trip us anymore.

In my own alternately wired, autistic mind I see remorse as something we feel when we truly believe we haven’t behaved according to our own definition of right and wrong, whatever that happens to be. We are acknowledging to ourselves that we haven’t held to our own code. If we acknowledge it to ourselves, and another person has been involved in this breaking of our own code, then it follows that, however difficult, we need to acknowledge it to that other person too.

And this is my premise for concluding that Turners Falls denizens either have no moral code whatsoever, or they have codes so skewed that I myself could never call these notions moral codes at all. Back in the fall of 2009, one Turners Fallsite told me she was sorry she hadn’t come to get me out of the little park when I was living there in 2008. I almost cried. One person from a whole townful of people apologized for leaving me in that park. I was moved.

Well, I needn’t have bothered being moved. Over the course of the ensuing month, this person turned out to be yet another Turners Falls wingnut, drama queen, actress, phony. I can’t take anything she said seriously. So my one apology from a person in this burg has been erased back down to zero. There have been no others, and I don’t expect there ever will be. All I get is more shunning, more gossiping done about me, more subtle forms of bullying and harassment. Moral code has never seemed to be a concept in this town, not since I came here in 1985.

And the whole nobody’s-gonna-guilt-trip-me thing seems to be very widespread in our culture now. People do not apologize much anymore over anything. There seems to be a tremendous reluctance among amerikans to admit to any kind of wrongdoing at all, as if admitting such a thing would be a complete annihilation of their adolescent, ridiculously fragile egos.

Update:  I wrote this post early in 2010, before I had moved back to Turners on April 1. Now it’s 2011. I’m back here for nine months, and still not one single Turners troll who left me living in that park in 2008 has expressed one syllable of remorse. Not one of the trolls who was part of disappearing my animals has said a single I’m sorry, nor has any one of them told me where and when my various animals were given the lethal injection. One of them did, however, show up on one of my blog posts in October 2010, using a phony name, to criticize me for criticizing the denizens of Turners Falls. They cannot spit out a single word of remorse, but they can despise me for my hurt, my anger, and my bitterness towards them.

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read…   Poison and snowflake trees…     Braon

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nxonfu

Page Twenty-four, website outline

       “Lbh ner gur fjveyvat gvzr V gubhtug V’q ybfg.

        Lbh ner gur yvtug bs zl avtugf.                                  

        Lbh ner gur erfg bs zl qnlf.”

Fb fnvq n zna gb zr bapr. N zna jvgu uvf urnq hc uvf fbzrguvat be bgure.

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Nxonfu II  and III

I reiterate yet again, ad nauseam, that I’m not delusional or psychotic in any way, shape or form. I’m not seeing weirdly spelled sentences appear on the wall of my dwelling unit (I refuse to call this space I wouldn’t give a dog to live in an ‘apartment.’). This is an actual code that was invented by an actual human being long before I was born. I learned it in a book, and so could you, if you wanted to. You can use this code with any language that has an even number of characters in its alphabet. I’ve used it here with English.

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V pnaabg tnva n pnaqyr,

zhpu yrff n pnaqyr guebat,                                        

urer va guvf yvtugyrff,

synzryrff pnirea,                            read…    Scealta liatha

va juvpu v jnaqre,                                          Shadowpoems

creuncf orybat.

                                 —- anxvf

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2010-2013 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

 

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